Okay, disclaimer: This post should taken lightly, and you must not send abusive messages to my inbox. If you agree to this, go ahead and read it.
So, like every other unmarried person in her 20s I installed Tinder in 2015. Let’s leave my dating life aside and concentrate on the rest of the interesting people I “swiped right” on Tinder.
1. The one who uses “why are you on Tinder?” as a pickup line
Well, guys of this kind are straightforward. They want no nonsense like “Hi, How are you?” All they need to know is “why the f*king hell are you in Tinder?” All their subsequent questions will be about Tinder. “Did you meet someone interesting on Tinder?” “How long have you been using Tinder?” “Do you think Tinder works?” Well, I suspect either Tinder asked them to ask me these questions when they swiped right or they are Tinder customer service people in disguise.
2. D 1 Wu Typs Lyk Dis
No, I don’t want perfect sentences that has been run past Grammarly app. At least, try to type full words. Dude, unlike Twitter & SMS, Tinder messages doesn’t have character limit. Also, “my” and “ma” has same number of characters, so don’t use the latter in the place of former.
3. The one who has issues with Tinder notifications
After Hi, this person goes like, “Hey, I am not receiving notifications from you. Can we WhatsApp?” “Hey, Tinder drains my battery. Can we talk over phone?” “Hey, this app sucks. Can we text instead?” Dude, chill, I haven’t even replied to that Hi for you to get notifications. Yes, Tinder drains battery, but that’s not what girls want to hear as a pickup line.
4. The one who is hell-bent on finding your native
After various struggles, you find that one right swipe who has decent communication skills and is not creepy, but after 4-5 messages, he gets interested in finding your native. “Are you Bengali?” “Are you Mallu?” “Are you an NRI?” “Are you from Coimbatore?” “You don’t look like a TamBrahm. Is one of your parents North Indian?” Well, whatever you reply, this person won’t get convinced.
5. The one who reminds you of your school days
No, not because he makes you want to have a crush on him, but because he says “Good morning.” “Good afternoon.” “Good evening.” “Good night.” Yes, that’s all is his conversation limit. Such good-hearted people!
6. The one who wants friends-with-benefits
These people are clearly using Tinder for hook-ups. Arey, I am not gonna be a behenji & advice you against it, just because I don’t want it. However, there is a way of asking that as well. You swipe right and say, “Friends with benefits?” Bro, when were we friends? I was so frustrated by this bunch of people that I shared the famous Sheldon meme to them.
7. The one who wants to know “What’s up?”
Seriously, nothing much, dude. The question is vague and ambiguous at various levels. Plus, you asking it thrice a day is not gonna change my answer.
8. The one who is obsessed with one of the words in your bio.
Seriously, I have like some 50 words listed there, and all you need to talk about is one word? Yes, I can understand that, you might have found my profession or my love for books interesting when you swiped right, but if you gonna keep talking about it, I might quit my job getting bored of talking about it always.
9. The one who sends you GIPHYs.
Well, firstly, I don’t understand why Tinder has all GIFs doing same thing. It just feels like Shraddha’s & Aditya’s dance moves from Humma Humma – too much repetitive grinding combined with mating calls. Why the hell you want to send it with different faces? I get it, you are horny, but bro, you gotta talk to your hand about it rather than sending zillion annoying GIFs.
10. The one who judges you.
Or in the other terms, the moral police. Yes, this person questions everything about you and investigates – past relationships, your drinking habits, your sex life, your virginity, etc. You will get judged, no matter whether you answer or not.
Well, all these people automatically go to the unmatch-zone. Thank Tinder for that amazing feature. Now, you may ask if there are no really interesting people on Tinder. Well, there indeed are. I have befriended some who speaks Prada; I got acquainted with a guy who live steamed lit fest for me as I was sick. I found someone who shares his travel tales with me and listens to mine patiently. Well, I even right-swiped someone who is my closest friend now! Anyway, Tinder gave me some good, funny, and WTF experiences. What are yours with the app? Let me know in comments below.