I was wrapping up for the day at my office, busily sending out weekly updates and files to my editor. It was then my colleagues, who are more like best friends, shout “Happy Journey” near my ears. Startled, I turn back and look at them in bewilderment. “So, first solo trip?” a friend questions. I nod in agreement. “How? I mean like how could you do that?” she asks in a curious tone. “Because I felt like,” I told and bade a bye to her with a hug. My whole gang of colleagues wished me luck and safety, while I rushed out of my office. After numerous promises to them about staying in touch throughout the trip through Whatsapp and Facebook, I finally got into a cab.
I did manage to put up a big smile in front of them, but was I really bold? Well, all those stereotypical “What will people think?” “How will you manage everything by yourself?” “What if someone steals something?” “What if you are surrounded by group of violent men?” thoughts ran into my mind. I brushed the thoughts away from my mind and got into the train. As I sat of my seat, I remembered the times when I was afraid to go alone even to a nearby city, the times when I was dependent on the one I “loved”, the times when I was scared to even ask for an address to a stranger. It all looked like a long time back, but it was all just 3 years ago. My mom always used to say that, “Things that break you are blessings in disguise as they might break you for now, but down the lane, you realize that every such heartbreak had made you stronger than before.” She was right; of course, moms are always right. They say you the right things that will be etched in your heart forever.
My friend’s question rang in my ears, “How? I mean like how could you do that?” I didn’t lie to her with my reply, but there was more to the reply. Being is a situationship is worse than being lonely. At least when you feel lonely, it’s you whom you got to blame, but when you are in a situationship, you don’t know who should be blamed—the other person or you. I was in a situationship, maybe, I was too blind to know it, or too coward to get out of it. Once I was out of it, the only thing that rang in my mind was, “How will I manage everything alone?” If one has been in a dependent or submissive relationship for a long time, they lose their individuality. Clinging on to another person is fatal to both the people. It is so fatal that one would have used to the clinging-on concept so much that he or she cannot get habituated to do things independently.
For the past few years, I had forgotten who I was, what I liked, and what I am capable of, and now is the time that I decide to leave my past behind, and start afresh. Something I should have done long back, but better late than never isn’t it? Suddenly my thoughts were disturbed as the train came to a halt in Anantapur railway station. I was inside the train that goes from Bangalore to Hyderabad. A sudden adrenaline rush made me carry my backpack and get down from the comfort of the AC coach. It was dark, but the station was beautifully illuminated with random lights from various eateries. I took my cell phone out and switched it off. I had my old Nokia 1100 with me with another sim card in it. I texted my mom, “Reach me on this number, if you need to. The other cell has no charge.” She was one of the very few people who knew that number.
As I walked out of the railway station, something my mom said rang in my mind, “If others push you down, it’s not your fault. But if you fail to wake up, then it definitely is your fault.” I was standing in the middle of nowhere or maybe it is the starting of my journey to somewhere. I had 5 days in my hand before my vacation expires, and the whole world around me to explore. As I got into a random local bus, and spoke to the conductor in Telugu—learning which, was one of the very few good things happened to me from that situationship—I knew that I found me, I found the girl who I lost years back. This was the girl I am, adventurous, impulsive, spontaneous, and jovial. At times, you need to lose yourself to find yourself all over again. I did my part to #StartANewLife, how about you?
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