As the year comes to an end, I look back to see what a ride it has been. Being an extrovert at times takes a toll on me; it rarely gives me a personal space. However, there had been few evenings, where I sat back and thought where my life was heading too and was it worth? On one such intellectual contemplation period, I realized that may be I am not the girl that I dreamed of becoming. The immediate question in one’s mind would be, “What was the girl I dreamed of becoming?” The frank answer would be, “I don’t remember.” We all had dreams and still have dreams. Just like any child or teen, I dreamed of a fairy-tale life. Yes, people who know me in the recent years will never buy that, but the truth is that even I once dreamed of “happily-ever-after.”
Certain dreams can never be a reality, no matter how hard we try. This was one such dream. I casually confessed to my mom, “Mom, I didn’t become the girl I dreamed of becoming, when I was 13.” She looked at me, and I continued, “I dreamed of finding a Prince Charming, have a simple house, and be a doctor.” I don’t remember if those were the only dreams I had, but those summarizes my whole teenage-dream. My mom who was quiet till then said, “Yes, you didn’t become the girl you dreamed of, but you became the woman, I aspired my daughter to become.” I thought for a moment, yes, she was right. I was no more a girl, who dreamed of silly things; I am a woman, who relishes what I have.
The past ten years, from the time I entered teenage till now, had been a scary roller-coaster ride. Yeah, it never once went monotonous or slow; even if it slowed down a couple of times, it was only because it was going to go on a full throttle, the next moment. You know how that feel is, right? Suddenly the ride slows down, and when you breathe a sigh of relief, it drags you on a full speed. Well, that was my teenage life. It was never the same mistake twice, but a new mistake every day. Sometimes, it was professional and many a times, it was personal mistakes. There had been times, when I wondered, “Am I born to make mistakes?” But, at the end, I learnt, I learnt from every single mistake of mine.
Looking back, I am not the girl I was a year ago. A year ago, I was struggling to forgive people who hurt me, but now, I let go of them; I could even smile at them genuinely.
I am not the girl I was two years ago, two years back, I was holding on to my past, but now I had realized past is nothing but a dementor. The more you think about it, the more it sucks your soul out. It is hard to forget, yes forgetting is harder than forgiving. How nice it would be if we could forget a person or an incident, just like how we forget where we kept our phone when it is in silent mode? But, life doesn’t work that way, right? Well, just like how we battle a dementor, all we could do get rid of our painful past is to think of happy moments and cast a patronus (smile).
I am definitely not the girl, I was three years ago. Back then, I was searching happiness outside, but the pursuit of happiness is not there outside one’s soul, but it’s in here, deep down.
I am not the girl I was four years ago; the girl who was unclear about a career, the girl who was clueless about what should be done with her life. Now, I am a woman who has a career, a backup plan, a passion, and an identity. It may not be as perfect as the top entrepreneurs’ plans, but my life, my choices, and my career – and, I love it!
The girl I was five years ago? No, I am definitely not the one. However, this was the girl I loved. This was the girl any guy in the world would fall in love with. Yes, the girl who put love ahead of everything else. The girl who smiled with innocence dripping out of her eyes, and most importantly, the girl who believed in magic of love. Losing this girl was the only regret I might have. At times, I try to bring her back, but in vain. However, innocence lost can never be regained as such. But, what am I now? I am definitely not the girl any guy could fall in love with as I no longer believe in sweet talks, magic, and innocence of love. But, I am a woman, who you could grow to love with. A woman who will question you, argue with you, help you grow, and above all, one who will make you believe in miracles – as I am one who witnessed few in my life.
The girl I was six years back? The one who hated what she did? I am definitely not her. I love what I do, even if it is a cup of water that I am drinking right now.
Seven years back, the girl who fought with her mother constantly: Well, I am not her. Anyone who knew me for the past half a decade knows how much I adore and fantasize my mother. But, we too had our troubled times.
Eight years back, the girl who put hobbies ahead of profession: The confused stage in every teen’s life – the crucial 11th and 12th grades. I screwed up a few things, but I learnt to segregate, prioritize, and organize.
The girl who was afraid to make more than two friends, nine years back: “How many best friends you have?” asked my childhood best friend, recently, and I started counting, trust me my fingers weren’t enough. When I say best friends, it means that they are more like siblings that God forgot to give me. But, most of my best friends weren’t with me forever, I know them across the past eight years. Back then, in high school, I had just a close friend or two. I was this awkward teenager, who couldn’t befriend people easily. Well, none of friends who I met in the past eight years will buy this story. But, that’s the truth.
Ten years ago, as the year 2004 was about to end, the girl I was, I am still the same. Yes, you heard it right. The girl I know ten years back; the girl who screams adventure in her every breath; the girl who was fun, impromptu, and crazy; the girl who was fit; the girl who dances; the girl who loves literature; and so on. I am still her. All the worries came mid-way, and left mid-way. That’s why I believe, “what goes around, comes around.”
This lengthy ranting would have been illogical at places, crappy at few instances, funny at some stages, and emotional at bits and pieces, but isn’t that how life is?
So, with ten complete years after entering my teenage, I realized that I am still the girl that I was at 13, but with some increased maturity, thanks to the lessons, learnt the hard way.
If you like my posts, do like my FB Page to get updates. You can contact on my page for sponsored and non-sponsored book and product reviews.
Also, visit my Fashion and OOTD blog, Strilish Talks.
P.S: I am going on a vacation, and would be back post new year. Have a splendid Christmas and a prosperous new year.